Thursday, September 30

Bumps and Bruises

This weekend I felt a little like this...

Not physically but spiritually. I feel so challenge and drained. I was definitely beaten up by the enemy this weekend. I let him into one tiny thought and it spread like wildfire. I know that God has his hand all over this adoption. This is something we have prayed for and longer for. I know that God has the perfect little girl out there for us. We were praying about these two sweet one year old girls at the orphanage we are adopting from this last week. I felt so burdened because I felt like the first time I saw either of their pictures I didn't feel connected and felt like God was telling me No. I prayed for them anyway. Sometimes I think I know best. I felt like by saying no these girls weren't a fit I was rejecting them.  I wonder sometimes if I will know when I see a my daughter, if I will know right away if it is her or if it will take some time. I am so frightened that I will reject her not knowing that it is her. These are all the kinds of thoughts I had over the weekend. The enemy took hold of those thoughts and grew them into these big nasty thoughts. Thoughts with resentment and jealousy towards those who already know their kids that are waiting on them. Thoughts about whether or not I am capable of doing this. Thoughts about am I really hearing from God that I am called to do this. I was beat up and shook up. I was a wreck. Phillip prayed over me and we stood on God's promise that the truth sets us free, and that I would be freed of those thoughts. Sunday went by and I still battled these thoughts. Monday rolled around and I still was in battle. Tuesday rolled around and I was feeling discouraged, no progress. I was frustrated because I felt like God wasn't giving me a word when I had been begging and pleading praying for one. Just a very prophetic simple word of encouragement was all I was asking for. That afternoon around 12 a sweet friend of mine called and loved on me. She gave me the most beautiful word. God used her to love on me. He does hear me and but he waits until I will listen before he reveals himself to me. He waits until my pity party is over. I asked her to email me some of what God was saying to her so I could print it and keep it as a reminder. Here is some of what she revealed to me through email....

I hope this comforts you, but I felt in my prayer time that the Lord showed me that you would allow her to go to another family. I had hoped that the other family would have been the one. So I definitely think you guys are absolutely hearing GOD!!! I know we think sometimes, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN REALLY MEAN??? It is difficult to even trust ourselves at times to know whether GOD is speaking or if our EMOTIONS are. It is also especially difficult when you are adopting to look at a child's face and have to pray about whether or not they are for your family without feeling like you are choosing a pet. Having said all this, I see a bigger picture.

I know that through this process, you will have an added family member! However, I also believe that this is not it!!!! God is using this situation to not only give you both the desire of your heart but to allow you to become "MATURE" in Him. This makes me so excited for you both because when God gives us these OPPORTUNITIES he wants to take us to the next level!!!!! With great REWARD comes great RESPONSIBILITY! God is looking around at his children looking for the ones that CAN HANDLE IT!!! I believe that you and Philip CAN HANDLE IT!!!  He is probably giving you several different opportunities to LOOK at a situation (CHILD) and have to pray and truly seek him to help you learn to LISTEN and DECIDE!!!!!

There was much more to what she shared. I was challenged by one thing she left out of the email. She reminded me that from here on out it is all how we respond to what God is calling us to do. We can either run and hide from it or we can face it head on. I pray that I am like Samuel and when I hear the Lord calling I will respond with "Speak Lord, your servant is listening." This process is draining and emotional to say the least. But oh so rewarding. If it draws me more near to my Lord then I would keep doing it over and over again. If it saves the soul of my daughter and the ones she will reach in her life time then Lord I am ready. We are ready. Use us. Speak to us. We are listening. We will persevere, even during the hardest of days. 

Galatians 6:9 
Let us not become weary in doing good, for
at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.


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Thanks for sharing your thoughts, love and encouragement.
It is always so appreciated.