What he showed me hurt. It was painful and I felt like my heart was bleeding from the inside out. I began to feel like maybe he was showing me that all the fun things I do for my kids do matter, the cute clothes I clothe them in kinda matter, and of course food in their belly matters, and the kisses and hugs matter but, are all of those things cancelled out when what comes out of my mouth don't line up with those things? If my words contradict what I am doing, does it make what I am doing not matter? Aren't my words the key to life and death? Sure in some cases actions are stronger then words, but what if you have all the actions down right but the words crumble what you built up in actions? Am I making any sense?
I am not by any means a verbally abusive mother. I love and I adore my children. I feel honored to be their mother, but sometimes... They just drive me bonkers. I mean, somedays when I hear "Mom, mom, mom, Mommy, Mother, Mom" five thousand times in a row, I get an overwhelming feeling that I need to go hide in my closet and not come out until Phillip gets home. Somedays I do not operate in grace. Grace in which I owe my children because Lord knows how much grace and mercy he has poured out to me. I can't store up all the grace for myself it must flow out on to those around me, and those around me most are my children. I have many, many of those graceless days. When I have those graceless days I turn into a crazy person. Like "Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife" crazy person. Ok not really. But sometimes I yell, sometimes I slam things on the counter really loud to get their attention and sometimes I send them to their room for no real good reason other then I am sick of them not listening and I am sick of the crazy loudness that boys bring. I am so embarrassed that I have acted like a crazy person. I hate feel in like a lunatic, like I am outta control and like I can't handle it.
I guess what God is showing me through my convictions on how I respond to my kids is that I have to be intentional about loving them like a mother (that's where all the fun things come in and taking care of their needs) but I have to also love them like Christ loves them. I have to extra love them when they have disobeyed, when they have not meant my expectation with something and when they are driving my insane. God is showing me that my home is my mission field right now. I am a missionary in my home. The land is foreign, meaning I have never been here in this stage of life before. Everything is new and I have never experienced it before. Each day brings different challenges, different obstacle and different missional opportunities with my kids. If I am going to love God and love others it must start in my home. Saying things like "Gawd Parker, why didn't you do that?" or "Geez get it together already." Those words are harsh and they don't bring life to my sweet children. I don't want them to grow up thinking they were a nuisance or that I was always annoyed at them. Because they aren't and I am not. I am just a sinner and I am selfish. My reaction toward my kids is not about my kids it is all about me being selfish and not taking the time to control my emotions and love on them and show them the same kind of grace that God has shown me. God is not a crazy God how yells at us or gripes about us lolly gagging out the door. He is a God who loves and encourages. Sure he gets angry and disciplines us but not in a crazy person kind of way. God is slow to anger and I am quick to anger. I want to be slow to anger.
During our vision retreat that we went on I talked to Phillip a lot about our kids. Our kids are ours on loan from the Lord. He gave them to us so that we could give them to him in return. We are to raise them up in the Lord and show them the way. We are called to raise mighty men for his kingdom and for his purpose, to love him. Our children are ours for a very, very short season. I don't want to waster these precious years being frustrated because they won't leave me alone so I can stalk people on Facebook or because they won't let me "pin just this one last thing" on pinterest or read "just this last blog." None of these things that hold my attention are important. What is important is that my children grow up knowing they are awesome, that they rock my socks off and they are crazy LOVED! I want their childhood to be filled with crazy fun memories of playing at the park with me or riding bikes together. Memories of me praying over skinned knees and for them to have a great day at school. Not me being annoyed or pushing them off on sitters when I want time alone because they drive me so crazy I can't breathe. I don't want those bad days that we have to be the only memories that they have of me.
I feel like this is absolutely from God. I think he is trying to refine me more before M gets here. He is giving me a season of awareness of my actions and time to love on my kids before she gets her. I am so very thankful that God takes time to heal us and fix us when we are broken. He knows exactly what we need before we even realize we even need it.
Oh, Lord please help me to be more intentional about my children. Help me to see them for who they are at their core. Help me to constantly encourage and support them. Help me Lord to be there for them and to recognize moments where I can show them the kind of grace you have shown me. Help me to be serve them the the way I serve others. I want my words to bring life to them and not death. My children are so special and I love them more then I can find the words for. Help me to show them that. Help them to feel that. I value each one and I will cherish every moment and everyday you allow me to have with them.
One last thing to leave you with.......
Oh, my heart might just explode.