I Faced My Biggest Fear

I have always had a fear of public speaking. As a student I was the kid who would sit as still as I could with my head down, being sure to not make eye contact with the teacher for fear of being called on to read aloud. I remember many times in English class when we would read aloud and everyone had to do it. The teacher would start with the first kid, in the far left row and instruct the student to read 10 or so pages, once the kid in front finished, the student sitting behind him/her would read the next 10 pages and when that kid was finished with their part, the next kid would take over, and then the next. I would sit there sweating profusely, counting off the students and pages frantically trying to find my part in hopes of perfecting it before I actually read it.  All I could think about was my fear, and what if I stumbled on my words (which I often did and still do) what if I had a hard word in my reading and I couldn't pronounce it. What if my friends giggled because I don't read very fast. Oh...it was traumatizing. I hated it.

As an adult I still carry this fear. I freeze and break out in a cold sweat if I am asked to read aloud scripture during bible study or if I am asked to pray out loud. Its so silly but so real. I am still praying that I will overcome this.  I can't simply live the rest of my life fearful of speaking in a large group or reading aloud or even praying aloud. 

Back in April I did something I thought I would never do. I spoke at a conference, the Missional Women's conference in Denver Co. Granted... it was a break out session. But nonetheless, I stood up in front of people I didn't know and I shared my heart. I shared my adoption story and why international missions is important to me and why I think everyone should try to go serve internationally at least once in their life. I even had a powerpoint. I was scared and sweating like crazy. But I did it. And I am so glad that I did. Through that, I felt a bit of freedom in this area.  And I might have felt a little empowered. 

The Missional Womens conference was amazing. It was small and intimate and perfect. It spoke directly to my weary soul. I have felt for awhile that I have lost my purpose. I have lost my zeal for things and my fire has begun to fizzle. This conference encouraged me. It encouraged me to keep going, keep pressing and fight through the hard and dry seasons because people, people are worth it and people are the reason why we live with purpose and why we live intentionally.  We are to love God and love people. This is my motto. 

My friend Jami went with me. I think she felt just as encouraged. I mean she should, she and her husband run a ministry at there house. She completely missional. I am thankful for a friend who cheers me on and encourages me. I can't imagine life with out my cheerleaders. 

If there is something you are afraid of doing I want to encourage you to step out a face that fear head on. When I was asked last fall "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" and I answered "Speak" I never thought I would ACTUALLY do it. Like...ever. But I did and it was great. I actually think I might want to do it again. Maybe.

It makes me wonder... Why in the world does the enemy torment me with this? Why am I so afraid to speak? I guess I will never know unless I face it and conquer it. And if by conquering it I can help make Jesus and all of His glory known, then here we go.  I love these two quotes below. I found them on Pinterest a while back and I think of them often. I hope they encourage you to be courageous, be brave, don't be the safe ship that is too afraid to leave the harbor. Set sail and see where the winds and waves take you.